It’s not a joyful one, let’s begin with that being said.
Since the day I was born, I knew I was never supposed to be alive. I almost killed my mother instantly after birth and I could have died as well. I was 3 days overdue in her belly. Nothing ever really seemed the same after the day my parents told me. Everything seemed to make sense as though I was never meant to be alive.
I was born in Los Angeles, California and moved later on to Georgia in 2005. I hated everything here. I hated the people, my teacher, the school; everything. I’ve had weight problems all my life; too skinny as a little girl, but here I gained an insane amount of weight in 3rd grade to the 5th grade and I was always the shy, over-weight girl in class. I was teased not only at school, but at home by my own mother. She would point at me and say that I was repulsive. That was every day until 6th grade. My body features started changing and the baby fat faded. The weight problem isn’t gone. I’m left with the emotional scars and that will never change. Most people in my life don’t understand where my insecurities come from, but little do they know, they came from the people I loved the most.
Growing up was never easy either back in California. Gangs, drugs, and violence was what I knew. My brother was the cause. Cops every other night at my house and I would be used to seeing my brother getting arrested. But it got to the point where one day he sat me down and told me to never come out of my room if I heard it again and I promised. I cried some nights cause I didn’t want him to go away. He came back, but he was absent a lot and he still is. He will always be like a full brother to me, though. He was a half brother from my dad’s side. My dad had a failed marriage before my mother came along.
I haven’t talked to my brother in over 4 years. I wonder how he’s doing sometimes.
I’ve been through more shit growing up than I do now. When I was way younger, I was sexually abused. It was the worst 2 years of my life and I cannot delete it from my memory. It’s something that’s made me lose every ounce of trust I had in the opposite gender. I can’t help it. Like, if I’m in the car and a guy next to me is looking at me, I lean all the way back in my seat so he can’t look at me anymore. Sometimes I wish it hadn’t been me he chose, and on rare nights, I think about everything that happened those days and I cry until eventually… I cut myself.
Hi, my name is Crystal and I’m a self-harmer. I’ve cut and burned myself on purpose before. Never had I thought in a million years would I see myself so fucked up emotionally. I sit and wonder what happened to the happy little girl I was. I can’t smile without having someone kill my mood in 5 minutes flat right after. Sometimes, even a gram. I smoke it away sometimes. I ALWAYS try to find a way to escape. I’ve had suicidal thoughts and once, almost tried to take my own life.
I have a lot of problems with my family. More so now that I’m growing up but it’s like they try to fight fire with fire when there really was no fire to begin with. Dealing with my sister, they felt as though they failed a little as parents. I see it in their eyes.. so now, they feel like they need to make up for it even though it’s too late. She’s in college now and they baby her more than they ever did me. I’m always left out in the house; the lazy, absent-minded teenager that hates everything and it’s “just a phase” so get the fuck over yourself, Crystal. Nobody understands how much words hurt. I wish my dad knew about how much it really does. I also wish he would stop lying so much. My mother has been trying so hard to talk to me more, but only after she realized that I cut myself. She’s just making shit worse cause she doesn’t look at me the same anymore, she looks at me in disappointment and I know she does. I showed her that I’m doing good in not cutting in over a week and she said “okay, let’s forget about it” in a hushed tone and changed the subject immediately. She feels like a failed parent, and sometimes, I wouldn’t argue with that cause she never preferred me, it was always my sister she would spend her time with. It’s all over now because I’ve started to resent them for what they never saw about me. They were never parents after I learned to walk, talk and go to school.
I’m left with emotional scars of people leaving and entering my life and it’s gotten to the point where I let no one in anymore. I can’t take people doing that to me. I’m terrified of allowing someone to come into my life only to walk out. People let me down a lot but I get used to it. I usually make up excuses or say that I deserve to be left cause nobody wants to deal with my pathetic life problems. I mean, people come and they go but it’s what happens. Sometimes, those people were never meant to be in your life, right? I hope I am a lot… I really do.
Good things come of bad things. Things for me now are somewhat better since I have the right people in my life and the right tools to make it happen. I like making people laugh and smile and giving advice. I hope to do something with my life and growing old with a beautiful family of my own. (: Never lose hope. Things will always somehow have a way around themselves and it WILL get better; I wouldn’t waste my time typing this if it isn’t so, right?
Stay Strong, Always. I love you. <3